I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish you could order shots online.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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