Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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