I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
