You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
