Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
