his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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