I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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