after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
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Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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