she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
