Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
