I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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