I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
