I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
