Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
