Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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