she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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