It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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