I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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