Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
