when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize