When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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