my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
