The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
