i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You are a booty call, not a friend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
