I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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