I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
