I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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