dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
