Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Two words: blizzard sex
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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