Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
