im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
