Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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