drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
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The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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