Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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