i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
