If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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