it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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