she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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