I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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