my mouth tastes like poor choices
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
