$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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