I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were trust falling into bushes
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
