I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
