If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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