I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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