I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
