Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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