Im at strip club and am horny
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
