I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
