so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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