I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
