i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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