just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
