Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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