Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
