Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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