I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
